Is this real?

I read an article today on cracked where it made fun of people with self diagnosed Asperger’s, calling them “ass burgers” and saying how people latch onto this diagnosis cause it allows them to be spoiled brats and have everything be not there fault.  How its only real if you get a diagnosis.

I am sure, for some people that is true.  There are some people who will latch onto any passing fad.  What I have a problem with is the fact the person writing this article seems to assume that people aren’t diagnosed only because they are faking it.  That getting a diagnosis wouldn’t take a large amount of time and money.  That it doesn’t take friends and/or family coming forward and giving anecdotal evidence to support the diagnosis.

For some, like myself, it is difficult, because I have parents who don’t believe in Asperger’s, despite knowing other people who’s kids have it.  They think its a lack of discipline.  They “know” I don’t have it, because there was a 20 question check list for Autism when I was 4, and when they checked off 18 of the 20 items, the two that were left were among the “one of these two must be checked if its autism” type questionnaires. Basically I didn’t qualify for the full on autism, therefore I must be fine.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 4.  I was given Ritalin once, my mother didn’t like the zombie effect and threw it out.  They never tried anything else.  Yesterday my mother told me there is no such thing as ADHD, the children just aren’t being disciplined properly.  I am 30 and I can’t sit or stand still.  I can’t focus on someone speaking, I lose everything I pick up and I still have problems with intense boredom, combined with too much energy.  But its not real.

There are moments when I read these articles like the one on cracked and ask myself, is it real?  Am I making it up?  I have health anxiety (hypochrondria), is this (aspergers) just another thing I have convinced myself I have?

What the people who write for cracked don’t understand is that moment.  That moment when you read an article on aspergers in girls, where it talks about not giving a shit about your appearance, or being able to fake the social skills, not being able to distinguish voices when people are talking, or walking into things, or not understanding a lot of social cues, or having problems with the phone cause you can’t tell if you should shut up.  When you read about the obsessions people have, like your 20 year obsession with reading, or the 16 years you have been devoted to harry potter, and you realize this is you.  That moment when it clicks and you get this rush of relief, because for once in your life you realize its not just you.  The fact your cried at the glasses store because it was super bright, and loud, and you had just taken the metro which is all weird lit and loud and blinding colors isn’t that odd.  That some days are good, and some days the tick of a clock, or a watch, or that leaking faucet, a flickering light will set your teeth on edge.  That you cringe at the idea of saying goodbye to some people cause you hate change, and that knowledge that they will go in for the hug and you don’t touch people, you don’t like it. That someone cleaning your room will upset you for weeks, because everything was moved just a little bit, and its all just wrong.  All of this is something, there is something that explains this, and no you are not broken.

And then you question all of it, maybe you are just a broken person with anxiety and maybe its all just in your head.  You question this all over a stupid cracked article probably written in an hour for today’s click bait article, and it makes me angry.  Angry at them for doing it, and me for falling for it.

23 Things You’ll Totally Relate To If You’re Anxious AF- A list that defines my life

This summarizes my life :23 Things You’ll Totally Relate To If You’re Anxious AF

Really though.  I made it through Montreal Comiccon with only one minor meltdown after a panel guest described a stroke in detail and I was worried I had the precursors.

But the list really sums up what most days are like for me.  I get up and every step of the way I second guess myself.  As a results I don’t come of as confident in anything I do.  And since apparently I can “fake it” everyone just assumes I am fine.

ComicCon Day 1-Sensory Hell

So despite making the guy loosen my wristbad bwfore he atttached it, its still tighter than I would like on my arm. So I can  constantly feel it even when I am not moving. At the moment I am getting ready for bed and cringing at the thpugth of trying to sleep with this monstrosity on my wrist.

During the event I had a major lighting problem with them beaming this ultra bright light i my eyes that started giving me a headache by the end of the day.

I almost tripped twice, and wrenched my knee a littlw sranding up. Oh and I have a strangely irritated toenail but I am hoping this will all be better in the morning. Completely packed meala this year so I dont have to stand in line, which makes me very agitated and there seemed to be enough seatng dor breaks. I have a good schedule planned out and with the exception of one activity falling through everything is on schedule.

Overall Status Post Day 1 : SURVIVED!

ComicCon T-13 hours=Butter scraped over too much Toast

This is how I feel today.  I am achy, nauseated, and exhausted.  I cannot tell if I am actually getting ill, or it’s all a byproduct of the overwhelming anxiety. I have planned and over planned my weekend to death, and my dad has completely waved my scheduling conflict.  I have managed to escape the day mostly uninjured, and am hopeful that I will be able to sleep tonight.

Comiccon T-36 hours

So I have been managing my anxiety pretty well the last little bit.  And with anxiety for now, that is actually as good as it gets.  Today it fell apart.

I have photosensitivity, a mild headache, and am beyond tired.  I suddenly realized I let Comiccon creep up on me this year without any planning and now it is in 36 hours.  It doesn’t help that my schedule for the event has a major time conflict I can’t seem to resolve. And basically ever since I have had that conflict I have been on edge.

Today I realized I don’t have anything ready…at all.  So tomorrow I am going to pack up all my comiccon stuff before I clean the house.  Which may end up with an dirty house and a complete melt down.  I have already made about 6 lists, and hopefully tomorrow will be better than I hoped.

Freaking, not sleeping

So I called 811 last night and as long as pain is lessening I don’t have to go to tge doctor. Tonight though there is a spot on one of my bruises that is suddenly far more paunful when touched. And I am panicked. I dobt want to call 811 yet, cause its been really recently. But at the samr tine i am not sure if I can sleep otherwise.

It may be the next step of the smae thing as yesterday.The better is gets, the less swollen everything is, the more individual things hurt. A week ago my entire right leg throbbed and my knee was swollen. Once the overall swellibg went down my shin hurt alot. I think it hurt all along, but couldnt be felt under the pain of the gaint knee bruise.

Now today my shin is feling way better (tried some emugel the last 2 days and it may have reduced inflammation).  I can feel individual sore spots on my shin .  Now tonight i feel pain in the sode of my lower leg bruise which may have been obscured by the massive radiating pain in my shin.

J am of course worried I have a hematoma thats going to kill me in my sleep or cause a stroke.  I am going to give 30 more minutes and if I am still increasingly anxious I will call 811. I try not to indulge the hypochondria, but there comes a point where if I dont I am going to ruin everything else in my day day.  Week Score Me:0 Hypochondria 2

Going Forward

With the exception of a particularly viscous bruise on my shin, that I may have to get checked out, I am on the mend from last weeks swan dive down a flight of stairs.  The problem going forward is an intense protectiveness of a bruise on my shin that seems to touch everything and cause agony, and an increase in the stair anxiety.

Having fallen down the stairs many times, mostly 2-5 steps, I have had a lingering fear of stair cases since the first time I walked right off the top of a stair case at age ten and did somersaults down 10 wooden stairs.  The idea of going up and down unfamiliar stair cases often terrifies me months in advance, and having recently swan dived this has gone into overdrive.

Already I am having trouble sleeping in anticipation of a staircase of Friday for after brunch plans, and one the following week when helping a friend pack up her apartment next week.  And the 2 floor walk up I booked in October to go to an HP festival in October.  The problem is, that for most people, this wouldn’t be a problem, but the knowledge that even with three point contact and paying attention I could still walk off a stair case at any moment is pretty terrifying.

Anyone else out there had any luck with therapies or at home exercises?

Bruised, not Broken

So a week later most of my bruises are in the turning yellow phase of healing.  With the except of a particularly nasty shin pain I think I am on the mend.  That I will need to give a week or so more and then I might actually have to hit the doctors.

I am once again reminded that dyspraxia is a thing.  I had 3 point contact with the stairs when my other foot completely missed the stair I was aiming for.  To make matters worse, I haven’t heard back about the job, so I probably didn’t get it.

Interviewing is hard for me, better in person, because I can try and interpret visual cues if people want more information. On the phone, I have no idea if I was clear, if they want more, if they are physically backing away from the phone bored to tears by my story. One of the few interviews I have had going so badly has put me into a bit of a tailspin, and I have basically been recouping for the last week.

I will try to update a little more regularly now that I am back up and a little more to fighting strength.

I ACTUALLY fell down the stairs

You know the saying “You aren’t paranoid if everyone is out to get you” ? That describes my day. I had to argue with the server to get room service. I had to argue to get my meal paid. At the interview,I rocked it. At the tour, I fell down the stairs.

Ya that happened. It felt like I was in slow motion as my foot slid from the top stair and even my three point contact couldn’t stop me.  It was humiliation in the extreme. I got back up fast. I wasnt severly injured, the bruising will be spectacular tomorrow. Its actually pretty intense already. It was a swam dive type fall.
I think I blew my chance at the job though if they had any sense they would ask me to follow up not because I was great candidate, but because we were not wearing the minimum PPE footwear required which was why I slipped in the first place. I was wearing a woman’s dress  shoe and was not told in advance there would be a tour. I would never have worn these paticular shoes had I known. They slip on floors.
I actually mad it to the airport and had dinner before the hypochondria kicked in full force. Can you fly right after falling down stairs? Apparently in increases the chance of blood clots because there is a prpblem. So now I began to panic, do I go?
I am writing this on the plane. Its an hour to Toronto and I will reassess there. There is norhing in the Sault so I couldn’t to the hospital.  At least in Toronto I could gwt something done.
Apparently the main worry is lack of mobility over time and my flighrs are both short. The pain isn’t increasing  and I am committed now that I am on the plane. Toronto is literally the next place to land this thing.
Most people wouldn’t have googled this and just gone for it so O am hoping this once all will go well. With the exception of using the hot tub this trip was a bust start to finish.
Now that I am blogging this my leg hurts  more. Probably a combination of moving it cause I realized when writing I should be and writing it making me hyperfocus.Most of you probably don’t care but I will update you with how I am either when I get home or tomorrow.

Phase 3- Anxiety is

I have mentioned previously that people don’t beleive me when I sah I av anxiety. Some days I beleive them. Today, on an ober night trip for a job interview I do not.

The overwhelming fear of having my luggage lost started my day. Turbulnce made me realize my mortality. After hours of travelling I panic about finding my shuttle. They messed up, but eventually I got to the hotel.

I am here but they don’t have anyhting about the company paying meals. At this point I want to go to the hot tub. I don’t want a job with a compnay that cant arrange an overnigth stay, and so far 2 things have gone wrong.

My room is carpeted so I have bedbugs. Note, this is my fear of any carpeted room I have no proof. I put my luggage in the bathroom, hang my suit and start looking. It takes some work but i find “proof”. They have bedbug matress covers which I take as guilt rather than precautionary.

Then going through each layer of tge second bed, on the mattress cover where is worn and piled there is black bits in the piles. I am terrified they are bedbugs despite no other signs.

I try to reason that there are no rust spots, not live bugs, no black stains. That stuff gets stuck in piles, everything is white. That the mattress covers stay on and over time this happens, but i know i won’t sleep.  So i call the front desk.

They send someone up instantly. Whp confirms that isnt bed bugs, but says she understands it would be upsetting and if I cant sleep here, I could get another room.  Now embarrassed I agree to stay and apologize for freaking.

I leave feeling dirty an fraught. Head down to the restaurant where my order is lost and I spend 2 hours having a  dinner that should have taken 45 minutes.

I dread the idea of going to my room ao i venture out and end up at walmart where I buy my cat a toy,  some giant Ziploc bags and some bounce sheets. I conr back chsnge into my swim suit bag my clothes in one zip lock, purse in another and leave my luggage tightly zippped on the bathroom counter. I put bounce sheets all over to ward off the bedbugs. Not entirely a wives tale, there is a little science there.

I spend 45 minutes swimming and soaking and come up to a quick shower rinse Paranoid about the pool chemicals.I smell bounce  I stare at the bed. I finally put on Pajamas and go get ice.  Wrried the bucket and glasses arent clean. What if there are bedbugs in my shoes.  Laydown with a tea and try to read.

The smell of bounce is giving me a headache. I google that. They are carcinogenic.  I am torn. I take half the bounce sheets and throw them away. There are still some in key places. Ievae the room for 5 minutes and come back. The smell is less overpowering.

Do i take the rest out. Do i turn put the loghts tonight. Sleep is less deep in the light and bedbugs will come put in the light eventually but its an ok stop gap.

I have a twinge in my leg. A bloodclot. my chest hurts. Heartburn from my gigantic dinner or a heart attack.

I havent tried to sleep yet. Today, I know I what anxiety is.