So I have never been adequately able to explain what it feels like to have hypochondria to someone who doesn’t have it. I watched this video and basically the first minute and 45 seconds is what I experience every time I have an ache or a pain. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNNieBfUBGI
So I have been trying to hold down on the anxiety, but I haven’t managed to find a job. I have been looking since last September for when I graduated in May. Its been a year, and everyday people ask me about it, and it causes this frisson of anxiety. I have noticed more fear of falling down stairs, more fear about spraining ankles, and then last night an all out panic attack about whether my indigestion and shoulder pain was a heart attack.
Note: Stomach upset and arm pain are more common than chest pain in women. But I also forgot to take my acid re-flux medication for three days and had been experiencing stomach upset for 2. And I read in bed for an unusually long period of time two days in a row with my shoulder in a funny position. It was bound to happen, and once that panic sparked, there wasn’t any sleeping no matter how much I could reason it away.
I wish that people who didn’t have any leads would stop asking about my job search. The second I get a job they will know about it, and in the interim it just causes a slow increase in stress until I manage to have a panic attack. I have head about 8 interviews so far, and the lack of response leads to enough self doubt about how I am blowing the interviews that I don’t need anyone else asking the question. Ask me about my theory on Harry Potter being a horcrux affected his relatives, don’t ask me if I have a job yet.
So the pain in my shoulder to elbow got worse when bending my elbow. And I found a spot on my shoulder blade that when gently pressed was agonizing. Giant knot of a muscle. Once I realized I wasn’t having a heart attack, but reading induced shoulder pain I calmed down, took a muscle relaxant and by 6:30 fell asleep. I woke up with no shoulder pain, but I still have a runny nose. I think I am just getting a cold, combined with my period coming it, and some ill advised reading position and got the perfect storm for midnight panic.
The problem was less in the actual symptoms but in the amplification of those symptoms by anxiety. The fact the were moving about based on what area I was thinking about made it really hard to focus on what was actually wrong with me. I worry that some day there will be something really wrong with me and I will ignore it because I assume I am just being a hypochondriac.
So I am drifting off toight when I have pain in my arm. I have been reading for hours so it shouldn’t be that surprising. Then there is this noment I think “What if it’s a heart attack” and then its all over.
I am suddenly wide awake, face fluaged panicking. I am sgort of breath and mt chest hurts and I take a second to breath as my stomach gurgles and think. These ate all geart atrack symptoms, and before I go wake up my mother at 4am I realize, they are also sptoms of an anxiety attack. So I chevk and while my pulse is high it’s steady and even. As I think of difernt symptoms of heart attacks U get each one in turn. Making myself wary of getting help because Its 99% likely its all in my head as sone pf my symptoms are not remotely heart attack related and make me think its alk anxiety.
And I had been doing so well. What frustrates me now is the fear I am going to die of a heart attack tonight or another night dismissing it as anxiety as I have this lingering condition.
Even now as I write this the ibuprofen kicj on pn my twnnis elbow I have chest pain or nausea or arm pain only as I think of them. “Forgetting” my other symptoms makes thrm wane in tgw interim. An I okay?
So I go tp my first third interview with high hopes, which I then dash scratching someone’s car in the parking lot.My car popped the bumper out and tge other car has 2 scratches on the bumper. I called and left a message with my number. I took a pic of the damage and can only hope to pull of the kind of confidence I need tp land a job post accident
And its been delayed an hour. So I an get really nervous. Overall today sucks
So this Sunday is my 31st birthday, and a friend of mine derailed my birthday plans, so basically I am doing nothing right now. My mother offered last night that we could do whatever I want today and then go out for dinner. She then proceeded leave before I even woke up. She came back at 4 and we went for an early dinner, to a restaurant she chose.
We then went out to the hot tub for 20 minutes, upon where she offered to watch whatever I wanted. When I came in after her, she was reading a book, and declared that even me talking to someone else was too loud and she needed me to be quiet. I waited 45 minutes, before giving up and going to watch a movie on my own.
Honestly, this isn’t that much different then what I would have done. But I adjusted my plans for the day to make room for doing something with Mom. And twice in a row she offered something she had no intention on following through with.
For most people that probably wouldn’t matter that much, but for me, that ruined my weekend. Like changing a meal at the last minute, changing plans upsets my entire day. Once I plan something I count on it coming to pass. No matter what.
Walked up two flights of stairs tp get tp my interview. Panicking in the waiting room waiting for the interviewers. Dreading leaving more than the interview. Dreading getting the job because of those stairs. And all the respirators I see.
So I have a job interview at 1pm. I am back out of town, and after my disastrous last interview I am terrified of falling down the stairs.
As it is close by I am at my grandmothers with the horribly slippery steep stairs and I cringe at the thought of going down them.
It sends a shiver of adrenaline down u body which strikes to the insole of my foot and literally causes my toes to curl. Which I think is the saddest toe curling reason ever.
I have to face them twice tomorrow, and now I am laying awake in bed dreading morning. Its actually scarier than a job interview that could define my future. This is what its like living with anxiety, always sweating the small stuff, never being able to focus on the big picture.
So I read about the #Send30daychallenge on #BloggingAstrid, and decided to give it a whirl. Day One, is the explain the title of your blog. Mine as I have explained before, is an ode to that feeling that you are going crazy.
Its that slow downward spiral when things just aren’t going your way and the world is closing it on you and you feel like you are slowly losing your mind piece by piece. That was where I was when I started this blog, and given that I was at a co-op term, I was not in a place to seek assistance. I thought that documenting the process might give me a bit of distance, tell others they aren’t alone in feeling like this, and for some topics get a bit of advice.
This week is a week of stress. I have two job interviews and I am starting the week driving my grandparents back after a weekend visit.
Last week ended in an emergency hospital visit after 3 hours of sleep to discover my dad has kidney stones. The hospital, a hypochrondriacs nightmare… That started to disrupt my routine. The visit took that to the next level, with two sick relatives for three days.
Then I drove them hone. My 3.5 hour drive took 5.5 hours in the end. Most of it painfully slow and in traffic.
I took a break less than 30 km in to meltdown in tge washeoom as it took over an hour to get there. If it were just me I would have rurbed back but my sick grandfather had doctor appointments scheduled fisr thing Tuesday so i soldiered on, back aching. Its been terrible since last week. Stress taking it up a notch. Now I am here. Upstairs. Dreading walkng down the stairs of evil.
Tomorrow I drive back, I cringe at the thought, but I don’t have my interview clothes and i have to be on the road by 12 Wednesday dressed and on my way to the interview.
I have a patch of skin that tingles when rubbed and aches all over from driving teeth clenched for 5 hours. Gonba take some robax tonight to hopefully unwind enough I don’t trigger a migraine.
This week is barely begun and alreadymy stress levels are at an 8.