So, I was all ready to talk about routines today, since my anxiety is doing well. I sat down, and was opening the window before I realized, it really isn’t.
As much as a panic attack sucks, or just panicking in general, the advantage is that since its sudden, and intense, I realize that something is wrong. I work to calm down, and I am relaxed. Whats happened over the last 48 hours is much more subtle, kind of like the boiling frog thing. If you throw a frog in boiling water it will jump out, if you put it in warm water and slowly up the heat, it will boil to death.
Basically since the car accident I have had many things to do, car assessment, talking to the insurance company, driving a different car to work. Still having to drive, etc. So while there haven’t been any AHHHH moments, its been building.
First the car assessment made me go home later, which ruined my dinner plans, and disrupted my plan. This in turn changed my plans for the entire week, as I didn’t get all the laundry and cleaning I wanted to get done on Monday done. Not the end of the world, but it set me on edge. Had a hot bath, broke out in a rash from it.
I drove my moms car to work, similar to mine, but different enough it was odd, I also spent the drive paranoid someone who run into me. I got to work, and was on time. Insurance agent said whether I was at fault or not for the accident would depend on another drivers testimony, what if she remembered wrong. I was given a few projects to work on that require mostly low level effort on my part, but one of them involved going somewhere I was unfamiliar with, and I worried that I would get lost. I was led there, but I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get back. I have to log samples, and I couldn’t figure out if I should take the pc to them, or them to the pc. They are very heavy. I decided to put them off till tomorrow. I got assigned another project, spent two hours heavily researching it, couldn’t figure out where the data came from. Found out, but didn’t have the program, got the program, couldn’t work it. Gave up, went home, and put in on hold till Wednesday. Was paranoid the guy I talked to about my experiment was blowing me off, and confirmed I could do it Monday. Drove home, paranoid I was going to get in an accident.
Drove in, worried someone would drive into me. Insurance called, driver remembered correctly, but what if they cant find the info for the other driver. Found a way not to use the program, and found a bunch of data for my project, but not all of it, what if I cant find the rest. Stopped by after lunch, found my way to the place I was afraid of getting lost in yesterday, determined I could bring my computer there. Didn’t waste time, went after lunch, its in the same building. Got back, realized i didn’t have the info I needed, my supervisor was gone, I can do that later. Went to log samples, but then realized I didn’t have the pieces cut for Monday’s experiment. What if I have to stay later, what if I cant get them done, or have to stay late Friday. I have people coming, I have to go home Friday. I went to the lab, and the saw was busy, anxiety went up a bit. I labelled what I had, and by then a saw was free, and I cut my 4 samples. What if I don’t get back to my desk by 4. Since i don’t finish till 4:30, and have flex hours, not sure why this worried me. Before i left, I kept worrying I didn’t lock the cabinet, I went back to check twice. Got halfway back to my desk before i realized I left my sample in the saw. Double checked the cabinet again twice. My back hurts, cement floors and bad shoes. What if its serious. I finally came home, late, what if i get in an accident, and realized i would be having pizza twice this week, which apparently worried me, so i changed my dinner order. I cleaned up the house, and then put some A5-35 on my back, was just worrying that the upper vertebrae could be damaged, and feeling it, it felt funny, when i was popping up this window. Checked out a back pic, no my back is fine, natural place to curve.
So my teeth are clenched, and I am rubbing my back, thinking about it snowing tomotoe and the roads being slippery, worrying. Not so much that I completely panic, but like the slowly boiling frog I see it approaching. I wrote this, and am suprised to see how much worry there has been the last few days. I am going to read and go to bed a little early, apparently, not as relaxed as I thought.