So I woke up this morning and for no reason at all I feel on edge. Like anxiety is just bubbling beneath the surface and at any point I could completely snap. As the morning progressed it got worse, I couldn’t get comfy in my chair. I was sitting, fidgeting in my chair, I couldn’t focus on anything. I started worrying about what was wrong and then right when I couldn’t take it anymore I realized….It was my period.
I know that a lot of women have no problem with their periods, but as a woman with Asperger’s and anxiety, some months, mine can take my body for a ride. The backache, cramps and bloating are the standards. What you don’t expect though is the ramping up of everything else. That proprioception problem you usually have, load up on the right kind of hormones and it gets to the point where you literally have to consciously think of stepping onto each stair or fall. No this isn’t my stair anxiety talking, I have correlated the abnormally large number of accidents I have (stair related and otherwise) and realized that during my period what little ability I have to perceive my body location, can go out the window, or off a staircase, or walk you into a door. You know how embarrassing it is to have a bruised face and try to explain to people you actually walked into a door.
Then there is the weird food taste. I am very picky about my food texture and taste, and sometimes, about 2-3 times a year, along with aunt flo I get a dramatic taste change. My butter taste metallic, the bread tastes moldy, the cucumbers taste like dirt. I have no idea what it is, but it takes my limited palate and makes it minuscule. Which sucks because…everything I eat thats even remotely acidic irritates my stomach. If I eat too much fibre, I get diarrhea. And that’t not my normal too much level, its my “does it say fibre on the package, that may be too much” level. Even if I don’t set this off I will still be in the bathroom every hour, because I have to pee….for like no reason at all. And of course not all of my cramps are menstrual, some are gas, because really, this process couldn’t get more humiliating. Between these and the varying tenderness and lumpiness of my breasts, which makes me think I have cancer, at this point it officially sucks.
But that’t not it. It puts me through an emotional roller coaster. I almost cried today at work because I went to get coffee and everyone else had already gone, not together, just individually over the last hour. I prefer to go alone, I don’t know why this upset me, or any of the thousands of little things that have had me near tears. I have been overly anxious, depressed, psychotically happy, and sometimes within minutes of each other. I often wonder if I am the only person who has thought “Am I losing my mind? Oh, no wait, it’s my period, I will see if I am still nuts next week” And I am not saying this is every month, some months I only get one or two symptoms, but this month has been the works, and it may be international women’s day, but today is not the day I celebrate being a woman.