I worry, a lot, about everything. This week has been a particular series of “Did I lock the door” moments. Specifically the front door and the car door. I have gone back to check more than once, and actually ended up 5 minutes late because of this.
I can try, but truly fail to be able to describe the feeling of dread I get at the idea of an unlocked door. A forgotten item can ruin my day. Not because the item it’s self is missing, but actually forgetting it is what bothers me.
More recently with my new job I am trying to make a good impression on the people I work with. Basically the idea is that people you like, you are more likely to hire later. So I worry, do they like me.
Am I boring them? Am I talking about something too long? Am I repeating myself?Am I making weird gestures? Am I biting my nails? Am I compulsively checking things? Do they think I am strange?
The answer to these questions some people find in reading body language, I don’t. I can’t tell until someone is physically moving away from me, if they are being bored. I often tap a finger, twirl my hair, shift awkwardly, and 99% of the time I don’t even realize I am doing it. And when we walk together I spend most my time trying to follow small talk well enough to laugh at the appropriate moments, while all the time paying attention to my feet so I don’t trip.
When I get home at the end of the day people ask why I don’t go out, date, spend time with friends. Its hard to explain I just spent 8 hours using every bit of energy I had to do what seems to come naturally to everyone else. Basically, I want to curl up with my book and read until bed.