I often feel like I am going to fall down the stairs.  While this does happen to me WAY more than the average person, the is mainly just another symptom of my anxiety.  The unwavering knowledge that something bad will happen.

I often sit, and its like my brain randomly flips through scenarios until one comes through and does that thing where my chest and feet clench, and a warm  feeling of dread rushes through  my body.  Some people get a chill, but for me its a warm flush of adrenaline as then horrible reality comes into mind.  Oh my god, I am going to fall down those stairs.  I cant find a way to avoid the stairs, I am upstairs, in bed, and unless I never leave, I will have to face the stairs.  I run through the possibilities, realize that the chances of this happening are low, but 10 minutes later am still laying in bed dreading the idea of going downstairs.

I usually try distraction then, read a book.  I mean, I don’t actually have to go down till morning, and by then, 99.99999% of the time I have forgotten the fear entirely.  I don’t have an actual fear associated with going down the stairs, unless I am actually in the process of falling, it doesn’t even process.

Sometimes distraction is inconvenient. But overall unless I can pull my mind to some other specific idea, I am not getting anything else done.  Not in the middle of the work day, and certainly not when trying to fall asleep.  Better to stay up till 3 reading, than be up till 4 staring at the ceiling dreading tomorrow.  And its not always stairs, sometimes its the drive, sometimes its my imagined “cancer” or other ailment.  Once my brain goes there, getting  it back is a process.

A workshop on social anxiety has given me a few tools, and I am trying to use them. But one thing this last few months of internet discovery has taught me, is that I really should give therapy another try.


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