Overweight and Depressed

As of late there has been a lot of stress in my life, and as a result of this I have fallen back on bad habits.  Which has caused me to gain a bit of weight the last few months, a bit more than I had guessed actually.

I have been overweight for quite sometime, but with this recent gain I am at my heaviest ever, which was became apparent tonight when I couldn’t find something light to wear to work tomorrow because my summer clothes are a little too tight.

This sucks, partially because it was an emergent situation, so I needed to borrow something to wear tomorrow.  Partially though, because while maintaining my weight is hard, I find diet and exercise abhorrent.  I don’t like the textures of salads, and the fibre content in low calorie versions of things often upset my stomach. The change in food also has a tendency to throw my moods out of whack.  And I have managed to now destroy the little relaxation time I had, because now I need to use it for extra walking so that I can bring down my weight.

Worst is, now I am vaguely depressed about it.  It just brings me down, which isn’t much of an inspiration to go out and exercise.  You’ll probably be seeing quite a bit of this in the next few weeks, I guess its time to suck it up and slim down.

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Vicious Cycle

So my back still hurts. So I have been stretching all over the place trying to get comfy for the last two days, which had in turn strained other mucles. So I am tensing up, and my back hurts still.

What is worse though is the tandem effect I am getting with my anxiety. I worry about my back pain, and this worry is aggravating my eczema. It’s also got my acid reflux and gastrointestinal issues flaring.  So that’s making me feel like shit. So I am in pain and my stomach is off and its making me anxious.

The anxiety about these problems is making them worse and I am basically trapped in a cycle where I can’t seem to stop any of it. I haven’t found anything capable of distracting me, and short of taking time off work, I am not sure how to fix this, this time

Back Pain and Anxiety

So my back is hurting again. This time I know what started it, because all the muscles in that side started hurting when I was walking funny due to my broken tor last week. I also stayed late weds standing a long time on a cement floor, and since I had toe caps on I was walking funny again from my broken toe.

Since I knew the reason I didn’t really take it seriously as I should have and read in bed arching my back,satin bad chairsn, and a dozen othe small things I shouldn’t have the last two days.  Yesterday I Googled back pain, I know it was stupid, and It gave me the “red flags” of back pain….On of them is the loss of bowel control.

Of course I had to run to the bathroom all day, and had gas. I would like to point out I also was burping and had a runny nose and had to pee.  If you have an anxiety with physical syptoms you may recognize these symptoms as classic. So I tied to comfort myself that these weren’t so bad, and since two advil in the morning seemed to help the back pain all day all was well.

So last night I read for over two hours in bed, sat in the bad chair at dinner, basically decided my back should be fine. That was dumb. I woke up at 4 am and had to pee, but it took me an hour to get a pain free position to sleep in. It’s 8 now, I wanted to sleep in, but that’s not an option since there isn’t a comfy lying down position for any length of time.

So now of course I am panicking abouty back pain, which is stupid, because I know what caused it, why and what to avoid, but it won’t go away instantly do for the next few days I will be in a world of pain and worry of my own making. Apparently being  hypochondriac doesn’t always make you smart about prevention.

Social Script Failures

I recently wrote an entry about being replaced by a robot, as I routinely fall back on what I like to call my social script.  In many situations, its much easier just to have a default conversation, I think everyone has them to some extent.  With the cafeteria lady its “hello” “medium coffee?” “Yes, or no” Hand the lady the money.  She hands me the change we say thank you, have a nice day, you too.  Its a thing

Last week I went to the full service gas station near work, because it was raining.  For most people this is easy, I find it a bit daunting.  I have to put the car in park, pop the gas tank, roll down the window and remember which gas to order, and that I want it filled.  Previously I have forgotten at least one of those, which gets a rather rude response from the guy pumping my gas. This time though, I got it right, and was fairly proud of myself.   I have gone about 4 or 5 times this winter, and in some pretty bad conditions, so I have been trying to figure out how to tip the guy, as I have seen one or two other drivers (out of about 20) do so.  S0 I am looking for a toonie (2$ coin) in my car to give this guy and he comes back sooner than anticipated.

He seems to be in a hurry so i quickly hand him my card, he gives me the machine and walks away, I push the buttons, tear off my own receipt to cut down on his time, and hand him the machine.  And he says something.  I wasn’t listening, because I wasn’t expecting it.  I already paid.  Anyways, he interrupts my window rolling up to say I don’t say please and thank you, and I should.  I apologized, and left mortified.  I haven’t been, and won’t be back.  It’s added a new element of anxiety to ordering that wasn’t there, and has taken a “treat” of getting my gas pumped by paying a bit more and ruined it for me.

In retrospect, given how rude he was on most those encounters, because I was new and wasn’t sure what to do, I think my lack of appreciation was sound.  That said, it wasn’t on purpose, I did this 4 or 5 times before I got ordering right, I hadn’t added Canadian pleasantries in yet.  A  week later I an still dwelling on this, it was upsetting to me.  It ruined my experience there, and while I should have remembered to say thank you, I still feel like rubbing it in wasn’t the right response for him.  I may actually complain to Sonic, I really enjoyed going there before, and I hate that this fear of “ordering wrong, or forgetting to say thank you, or having this guy be rude” has ruined it for me.

Anyone else avoid a place because they had a bad social interaction there?

You’re Kid Might be on the Spectrum

So I was at work today and overheard someone telling a collegue about her daughter. Her daughter just had tube and adenoids surgery. Apparently she always has congestion and they think she has fluid beind her ear drums. This will help.  She is about 5 from what I can gather.

Then she explains the problems her daughter was having with her hearing. Presumably due to the fluid. She often has to be called repeatedly to respond to her name. Her teacher often feel the girl can’t hear her in class. Mostly she has problems making out voices when there us a lot of background noise like a TV or in a classroom. She often zones out for long periods of time, presumably because she can’t hear properly.

Her mother believes it must be a hearing problem, but it makes me wonder, 2 surgeries later  if this is a hearing problem. She has taken he’d daughter to an ENT specialist, they ate looking for causes of hearing problems. I don’t know her daughter, maybe she is social and bubbly and I am reading it wrong, but still I wonder does she really gave a hearing problem, or is she having surgery to correct her autism.

Be Careful

As I have mentioned previously I have motor control issues. I have been accused of walking funny on more than one occasion. I also trip and  fall quite a bit.

What I really hate though is being 6old to be more careful. It doesn’t seem fair that people who can J7st walk around without worrying that they will trip over their own feet should tell me to be more careful. I am careful, I think about walking down the stairs every time I walk down the stairs. I really don’t have the option not to.

Tonight I smacked my foot into something. I have managed to break a toe. In all reality I should hAve been wearing socks. It prevents toe separation and decreasesthe liklihood of breaking a toe. But I don’t and now I  writing this half an hour after I should be asleep waiting for the advil to link enough to sleep.

I am dreading tomorrow. Less the pain of it and more the irritationof everyone telling me to be more careful. I didn’t do this on purpose, I wa trying to keep an eye on my feet  I really can’t put mora thought into walking than I already do.  Sometimes life just sucks

New Mole Hell

So I turn 30 this year, still at the age where new moles pop up. For me new moles are hell.

I noticed one on the back of my leg this morning when moisturizing. I felt a little bump,  decided to look. Actually it may have been there a while,  have been assuming it was a pimple.  Now I have seen it.  It’s a small brown mole.

So of course as a hypochondriac I go to skin cancer. I was planning on making a doctor appointment for next month anyways,  and keeping an eye, seeing if it grows really is all you can do. Like a doctor wouldn’t do much else. It’s small and round .

But I feel like I can’t breathe.  Spent half my drive in like this. It’s a weight on my chest, and I can’t help but panic. I am trying to ignore it for now and by the time I get home it will look like skin cancer, because with how much I have rubbed at it, it can’t not be red

I tried an audio book in the car, but as soon as I got to work the panic was back. And J know going to sleep tonight will be absolute hell. It doesn’t help that I am overtired from staying up later last bought.  Anxiety it teaching new heights. Am on my break now, going to do my best to focus on work. Wish me luck!

 

Exhausted and Anxious

I am dead tired right now. But I am not sleeping, because I am worried I parked my car too far down the  driveway and will get hit by a plow. I was too embarrassed to admit it and my anxiety about it earlier, so now it’s too late to go out and fix it.

I am worried my badge isn’t in my baf and I haven’t paid my bills. I am worried I won’t get enough sleep, so I can’t sleep. And I am exhausted.

I didn’t want to go in early tomorrow, but when someone offers you lab time guaranteed, you can’t turn it down cause you are tired and you think less sleep is going to send your anxiety into overdrive. I am going to lay here and try deep breath,  and hopefully get some sleep.

 

Movie Panic

So I am waiting for my movie to start. Worrying about my car being locked.  About someone braking in to steal my GPS.  Worrying that my slush will be melted. Will I be thirsty. What if I have to pee in the middle.

So that was the movie for me.  Worried about peeing for about half the movie, updated the pay parking on my phone.  At some point the movie picked up and I forgot it all.  I only wished it had happened an hour earlier so I didn’t completely flip out for no reason

Robot Replacement

No, I am not going crazy, I don’t believe anyone has been replaced by a robot.  I do believe sometimes that I could be though.

Some days, good days, and/or days spent with close friends, I am all there.  I am laughing, and telling jokes and I am picking up on all the humor in the situation.  Simply put, I am 100% on the ball.  This isn’t most days.

Most days I sit listening to other people speak.  I wait, I hear someone say something I have an interest in, or a related story.  I wait for a long enough pause and I tell it. Simply put it is robotic in nature.  Flag key words, insert comment/anecdote now.  If pause continues after, make additional comment.

Sometimes I look and I wonder if anyone really had any interest in what I said, especially when I am at work.  I don’t really know these people, I don’t really want to talk to them, I rather read my book.  I do however want a job here after I graduate, and I have been told people hire people they like, and who are social.  So basically I am attempting to be social, and I wonder how much of what I say comes off as normal, how much is a little weird, or if they can tell I have them on robot auto-response.

Working summer jobs, bad summer jobs, taking caps off.  I took caps off, mention my capping experience.  Continue with weird math issue coworker had at that job.  Getting strange look, shut up and listen to other persons story. Did I say something wrong?

As I said, there are days I am there, I am just talking and laughing, and enjoying myself.  But most days social interaction is like it is above, a thought out process which is more an obligation than an actual desire to interact.  One thing I was glad for, was that is was Friday, and today I can sit at home in my PJ’s and read to my hearts content.