So last night I felt a lump on my left knee. Of course the hypochondriac in me says cancer. My knee gas been bothering me a whole but not in the lump location. Mainly being caused by my back problems which i have knowingly been exacerbating.
So I have been rubbing it. For good reason, it if is just scar tissue rubbing helps dissolve it. It now hurts when I rub it and when I walk. AZ U have stated previously, poke something enough and it WILL always hurt.
Once I got thinking about it, I d9ht think it’s new. I have a vague recollection of rubbing this part of my knee before with knee pain. Not even sure if it’s bigger, could just be I realized it wasn’t a symmetrical feature today. Going to try a week of resting it when I can, anti inflammatoris and some ice tonight in case it is just an aggravated muscle to see if I can get it to reduce. I have no more time off so I can’t go to the doctor till September. So unless it gets much bigger or hurts a lot I am going to assume this isn’t cancer….
Don’t be surprised if I update at 2 am cause I can’t sleep because my new “cancer” self diagnosis
Sp lay might between my skin feeling like it was crawling ans phantom pains I had a hard time sleeping. That meant less sleep. Which in turn caused heightened anxiety. Cue today’s disaster.
So I am supposed to analyze the samples I etched. I started off wearing gloves die to paranoia but stopped at some point because of the odd looks I was getting. Which was fine until I went to lunch. Then I want distracted. Then I was paranoid I had been exposed.
Now I have a tingling finger. That’s nothing, but got me super amped up and freaking out. I still have 3 more hours of analysis to do
So I took my two days off,came back today and dud my etching. So my g9ves got wet from dome methanol run off which terrifiedme that it was acid. I washed my hands in the gloves and kept working.
They are acid gloves after all. So I had to move something and I did it with my gloves on. My acid free gloves. I am worried it was contaminated. So I finally finish,take the gives off and under the gloves my lab jacket is wet. I am afraid it contaminated even though it’s really sweat.
So I put on my basic non acid gloves to move my samples. Because after all this fear I can’t touch them bare handed. I finush that rake off the gloves and jacket and wash my hands. Wipe down my face.
So now I am trying not to get the psychosomatic syptoms of hf contact. My skin feels like it’s burning. Cause its dry. I am parched, the lab is dry. Worried despite working the fume hood I inhaled s lot of acid. And I am afraid while air drying my samples some of the etgan9l splashed back ontoy pants and shoes potentially getting acid on them even though the ethanol was to wash off the acid.
So I walked back to my desk 15 min, with my shoes undone cause I was too paranoid ro touch them. Trying to distract myself from my anxiety so that I don’t gp to medical for non existent acid exposure. One more day of this and they will all be done. I could have finished them today, but I was wrecked after 1.5 hours of this.
So I used the acid this morning. It didn’t get near me. There are even tongs to hold the sample with. I still have various burning/tingling sensations in my hands. Mostly I am reeling from watching ttd lab tech demonstrate bare handed. Now I have thd added anxiety of trying to figure out if I need to report tge massive safety violation.
So tomorrow I will be working with flouric acid. A strong acid which basically terrifies me.
Someone else was supposed to etch my samples for me as it was considered to be too dangerous for a student to work with.
Then the lab supervisor decided it was fine to work with today. And so I had to f8nd out hat personal protective equipment I needed and basically it’s gloves and safety glasses. For an acid that doesn’t just burn skin but can eat through to your bones.
I can’t change this so for now I am going to avoid it. Think about other things and get some sleep.
Then tomorrow, I am going to watch the demo and discuss the safety procedures and first aid procedures and if I feel at that point it is unsafe I am going ask MY supervisor about having it done by someone else.
I do need to try and balance my anxiety/hypochondria with actual health and safety concerns. I will update tomorrow with the results of my day.
So I survived Comiccon. And managed to whack my hand into a railing today and injure it. Hoping it won’t be that bad.
Today went well. I was actually doing okay till I got home. My mother however pressed a few buttons and nOW I am pretty low. I wish I had a thicker skin, it would make things easier if a few words didn’t ruin my day.
OK, so today almost everything went perfect. I has a low grade headache curable with ibuprofen. I tripped, but didn’t fall. I got to see all the panels u wanted to. I missed one or two small things, but they were filler anyways. The only thing still bothering me is my mouth. I have a small sore which hadn’t healed as much as I would like. I mainly attribute that to my tongue that won’t stay away from it, and a little anxiety making me check it out so much. But Google actually for once wasn’t terrifying and said, probably nothing, it it’s still there in two weeks get it checked out, but it’s still probably nothing.
I have one dat remaining and one more photo op to do, so I am hoping I can keep my lucky streak going. I changed my wardrobe for tomorrow to max comfort, as it’s way easier to stay relaxed when in good texture clothes than warm scratchy costume. Sometimes it pays to really know yourself
Last night I woke up like 5 times. I got uo feeling like shit and nauseated.
I twisted my knee (cross my fingers it will be okay tomorrow) , showed up half hour late cause I left my cell at home and had to come back. Overall most of what could go wrong did…and I had a great tone anyways. If I can get to sleep tonight I can only hope I have as much fun tomorrow
So baseline anxiety is up from a 4 to about a 6/10. Just finished lunch and there was a tingle in my left index finger at the rip. Usually I could shrug that off, but today it just threw fuel on the fire.
So 20 mins in I had to ru to thr bathroom, my nose is running like crazy, and I am panicking. I tried deep breath, but ultimately I have about 5 mins before I have to get back out there. I thinking some water and some ibuprofen. It works as a wonderful placebo cocktail and hopefully stop me from complely losing it at work.
Forgot to press post yesterday, but better late than never.
So this week has been a study in the slept window. If I am not tired enough I spend the time I should be asleep worrying. If I am too tired my anxiety goes into high gear and sleeping isn’t an option. So I have to be hyper aware of how tired I am so that I can get to sleep at night.
On another note since my last post I self diagnosed and forgot about 10 medical conditions and started compulsively listing what I need to bring to comiccon. I got a few things ready, but I believe there will probable be a 1 day till comiccon post tonight about getting ready.