So I went to the neurologist today, and he said that he needs to run a few tests to make sure its nothing else, he is 99% sure I have migraines. Actually he had two suggestions, migraines with auras and epilepsy, but since the episodes last minutes the later is unlikely. The moving numbness is not indicative of stroke. Basically those tension headaches I have always got from grinding my teeth, not actually tension headaches.
What I never knew is that tension headaches are bilateral, both sides of the head, my headaches are always only on the left side, and radiating outwards. Also, while tension headaches hurt, the intense can’t sleep kind of pain and the I can’t concentrate in the middle of the day kind of pain, are not symptoms of a tension headache. Apparently they are mild. It has been a correlation not causation relationship. I get both with stress, and plain makes me clench my teeth.
What I have is better known as migraine with aura’s. While I knew you could get low blood pressure, and visual auras with migraines, and both of these things without the headache, I did not know that hand and facial numbness were a migraine thing. While even google couldn’t identify the moving numbnedd before, migraine with aura;s has it pop up in the first result. I guess even hypochondriacs need to got to the doctor some times.
So its 9pm, I gotta be in bed by 11 latest, and I am completely wound up. I have to finish referencing a paper, I have one question on it I know I did wrong, tomorrow is going to be early, long and painful. Last time I had a day like this I had one of my “strokes”, I have an appointment Wednesday with the neurologist and I am completely upset by that. My mother is angry at me and I cannot calm down. No idea how I am going to get to sleep tonight, and its looking like its gonna be long and unpleasant getting to bed tonight.
Just when I was taking a quick break to wind down a little, the character has a heart attack on the show I am watching, and while they are fine I start wondering if anything I am feeling indicates a heart attack. Even though I had an EKG that said I have never had any heart problems, and my cholesterol is good. Tonight is a night where I am going to have to pull out all the stops.
As I said yesterday I dont wait well. Now today I am waiting the 45 minutes until my netwprking dinner starts. I am anxious. That dry patch of skin is irritating me again. I keep getting stretching feelinga in my face and I have a eash on my legs. My headp feels foggy.
Yesterday when induglijg my hypochondria I found a blog where swveral people has the same stretching feeling, they all got the same diagnosis, anxiety. The fog is from only 6 hours of sleep, combined wth my period. I still half have the headache.
Once again i awoke in the middle of the nigth with a rondom tingling. I would like to point out i wake up i themiddle of the night almost every nkgth 2-3 times. Whats new is th checking aspect. I used tl roll over and go back to sleep. Now i check to see if anything is tingly and try mot to lay on my left side. something is often tingly, you have a temdemcy to trap arms and legs at weird angles while sleeping. Probably the reason you wake up to move in the middle of the night. No though i panick, often get out of bed, and take 20-30 mins to getback to sleep. Its ramping up my anxiety and I am no very tired.
I have been on edge all day. Ever since i woke up at 6 am with a few numb fingers panicking. I realized after I was laying on those two fingers, and I have lines on my hand. From the pj pants imprint on my hand. Oh and I woke up at 2:30 am with a tension headache, which was just the start of a wonderful day.
Then I took my cat to the vet, and I had to wait 25 minutes for the vet to show up. It was nerve wracking, and irritated the hell out of me. At this point I was still ok.
My parents showed up an hour late and complained about the fact I didn’t clean the house enough. I put in a really good effort into cleaning the house. But still I was ok. Then I started thinking about the dinner I had to go to tomorrow, and that’s when I went over that edge. Nose has been running, bathroom every ten minutes, cold, shaking, funny feelings, random tingling. Basically completely losing it. I need to come home first to ditch my stuff, what time do I go back, what if I am late, are my business cards spelled wrong, my pants need to be hemmed. Ironically only one leg of my pants needs to be hemmed, did I put them on wrong. I didn’t by the way, my mother checked and one leg of the pants is legit 1.5 inches longer than the other. I had to get my bangs cut, what earrings am I gonna wear. That was 2 hours ago and though the shaking and nose running has stopped the rest is going strong. When I think about it intensely, as I am now, I feel almost dissociated from myself, and my stomach is making funny noises, and now I have gas. I tried to calm down with a TV show, but its only been minor successful. I am dreading the idea of going to bed, because in bed, there are no distractions.And getting to sleep is going to be pur hell
Right now I am a bit fuzzy. I got a call and actually booked that neuro consult for next week. And I am totally panicking about it. What if are running through my head. Logically I know it doesn’t matter if he says it was a stroke, or a brain tumor, or MS, or grinding my teeth, it won’t have been any less true than it was before the consult, and no amount of worrying will change that….Does that stop me from worrying, no, of course not. And as for the fuzziness I woke up with a tension headache that wont quit, and since I have something to do tonight I kinda wanted to not feel like my head was falling off so i took a robax, then an hour later two acetaminophen when the robax didn’t help.
I am doing a paintnite event tonight, which is a few drinks while painting a picture. It would be relaxing, but, I have to find something to wear while painting. It must be short sleeved so that my bruise from my blood test doesn’t show, my mom freaked last time and got all worried about my results. Yes, anxiety runs in the family. I found out I am invited to the networking dinner on Thursday, I don’t have a suit to wear. I have something kinda know, but i had to skip class and go shopping this morning. My cat needs to go to the vet to get more flea meds, and I need to see the dentist to get my night guard checked. Oh and Monday I have a design project, quiz, lab, and assignment due.
So to recap today I had to
1.Schedule a Neuro consults
2. Book a dentist appointment
3.Book a vet appointment
4. Get ready for paint nite
5.Get ready for thursday nights networking dinner
6. Work on and schedule all the stuff do next week.
And last but not least after scheduling all those appointments, attend them all in the next week all while studying and writing all the reports I have do. No idea why I am a little overwhelmed at all.
When I started this blog, my intention was to talk about Aspergers and my realization that this fit me. As time goes by, I realize more and more things about myself that can be attributed to the diagnosis. I have however spent significantly more of this blog discussing my health anxiety, what I have come to learn is the psychologists word for Hypochrondria.
That said, I don’t think these things are necessarily unrelated, I tend to get fixated on my ideas. While I also suffer from social anxiety, it is sadly, quite easy to hide yourself away from the world. Not doing something, though I understand makes things worse in the long run, can in the intermediate make social anxiety go away.
The problem with health anxiety is “No matter where you go, there you are” Recently due to my realization I have had all of these “stroke like” attacks while lying in bed in an odd position. One I maintain after waking up, checking my phone and falling back asleep, and while reading for extended periods after waking, in fear of having another one I have been popping right out of bed.
I have also been sleeping on my right side, which has been fairly unpleasant to do long term. I am torn between my desire to be the kind of person who gets out of bed, and gets stuff done, and my fear that like when avoiding social contact to alleviate social anxiety, in the long term, this will ultimately increase my anxiety. I may have to bring it up with my therapist next week…The therapist I still haven’t mentioned the whole aspergers thing to. In my defence it took 8 months and 2 therapists for me to just blurt out that I am a hypochondriac, so they weren’t focused on generalized anxiety but still.
Finally I wonder how much of what I have is Aspergers, and how much of it is an anxiety, ocd combo, where my health anxiety makes me think I have aspergers. Once again, my whole anxiety thing makes it hard to see what I do have and what I don’t.
I am pretty good today. Well I am until I start watching tv. Its like when my brain isn’t 100% occupied its like, wait, what random symptoms can I give you to occupy myself.
So today I have MS, that’s the random disease I have assigned myself. Which actually covers every symptom I have ever had. Mostly because it effects the central nervous system and can basically affect everything in the body. Today’s score is Anxiety 1- Me -0
So I took the day off today to relax. It gas not been relaxing. My ear to cheek feels swollen and now I have chest pain. No it isn’t a heat attack, this is half hour after consuming takeout and happened last night 30 mins after eating salsa. I know I get heartburn when I eat a large unhealthy meal.
The face thin has been an all day ordeal and it’s like now tat I am trying to relax my body can’t handle the lack if input and it just like, let’s hyperanalyze everything. I think this may be anxiety, because it went away when I forgot about it and now that I am writing about it it’s worse,oh, and I suddenly have to pee every 5 mins. Fight or Flight at its best.
This has been confirmed as I forgot about it for 5 mins, it all went away. I thought about it and the more I think about it the more overwhelming it all seems. Oh and my mom mentioned how hot it was, I turned the heat off, it dropped down to 21 from 23 and I no longer feel all swollen. I may have just been overheating
So today I screwed up. I went to make some wise adult type investments at a bank. Wrote the check, walked out of the bank, got half way home before realizing the money was in a different account. So I called the bank, and got overdraft put on, and transferred the money over to the account in question. I think for most people it would end here.
I am worried they already somehow processed it before I fixed it and the check bounced. Logically I know that if this happened, there is absolutely nothing I can do, because it has already happened. Does this reduce my panic… of course not. Don’t you just love anxiety.
So I spent the day today cleaning. I was busy, trying to accomplish a goal and in the end the house is clean. Now I am worrying about facial feeling and finger tinglings. I was last night too. Woke up at 5 am, rolled over, couldn’t find comfy position and felt a twinge in my lip. I panicked, then I felt a twinge in a finger, toe, etc. Basically I panicked for an unknown period of time before I finally fell back to sleep and awoke about 5 mins before my alarm went off.
What did I experience today you may ask? I stubbed my toe, and my feet are sore, but until I finished my shower 20 mins ago, I was entirely symptom free. This of course reinforces the reality that all of my current “symptoms” are in fact in my head. It was just reinforced again a minute ago as I was interrupted from writing this to read am email saying that the overpass I use to get to school will be shut down for the foreseeable future. As I mused about that again, all tingling gone.
So now I realize that most of this if not all is in my head, and what isn’t is probably the visibly dry skin patches on my lips and face. I am trying my usual calming techniques, but they don’t seem to be working for me with this. I can get short term relief during the day, but does anyone have any ideas on what I should do in the middle of the night?