Anyone who has melted down has probably cried in the middle of a store somewhere, or walking down the street to a book shop.   My problem with crying is that I do it primarily when I am frustrated.  Not when I am sad. This means that 98% of the time I cry when I am frustrated.  The other 2% often comes from over empathizing with fictional characters.

I do not however cry when I myself am sad.  That being said, I do not often feel sad.  Usually my reaction tends towards disappointment, anger, or sometimes a complete lack of processing when I am given bad news.

This evening I was told that the man my grandmother has been dating, 25 of the 30 years of my life, has cancer.  We knew he was unwell for the last year, and his recent rapid decline made this a possibility, and yet due to the lack of rush in testing, and his own doctors assessment of acid reflux, I at least assumed he would be fine.  He isn’t and the pain he feels when eating is from a tumor pressing on his esophagus.  While the x-rays thy took a week ago didn’t show any lung cancer, apparently an endoscopy and blood work did.

So my mother came out, tearful, delivered the news, and I continued to make dinner.  After a few minutes she went into the living room to watch TV, giving me an odd look.  While I believe this news to be tragic, there isn’t anything we can do, we won’t know how bad it is until he goes for CT next week, and we live in another province.

I actually stopped writing this for an hour because I had to call my cousin, because I just realized that no one had probably told her, and that well she needed to know. That was the most awkward conversation of my life.

I have no idea what really to do now.  I don’t do well with new situations, and with my mother grandfather he had a heart attack, and died within about 2 days.  This is going to be very different…

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