Anxiety, is something I struggle with on a daily basis. When I did confide in a friend about my anxiety, she said I don’t seem particularly anxious. That is likely true from her point of view. When she sees me, she doesn’t realize how much I panicked before coming about slipping on the ice. She doesn’t see the hour I spent the night before not being able to sleep because it might snow tomorrow, and the roads might be bad, and I might not be able to go. She doesn’t see the hour it took to pick out an outfit, worried I would be dressed differently. She doesn’t see that I almost bailed because I might be asked to stay for dinner, and I am picky and might not want to eat what they are having. She doesn’t see that I came 20 minutes late, not because I couldn’t be bothered, but because I forgot something, and the panic about leaving anything I planned to bring was so bad, that I turned around and went back for it. She doesn’t see that I spent the first half the car ride trying to assure myself no one would be upset I was 20 minutes late, again. She doesn’t see that I spent the second half of my car ride telling myself not to worry about the stairs, I am always careful at others houses, and I won’t fall down them.
She only gets to see the finished product, as I walk up to the door, with a big smile on my face happy to be there.I express only the smallest parts of worry, failing exams, not being accepted to seventeen, etc. So I am sure what she says is true, I don’t seem particularly anxious to her.
I write this because today I spontaneously booked a long weekend getaway for October. Which doesn’t sound spontaneous, but I booked something with no idea what I will be doing then. In a rundown hotel, with a good location, and now I am second guessing myself. Its a three floor hotel, 8 hours away, and I am sitting here worrying about driving that far, and about falling down the stairs…for something I am doing in October, literally over 9 months from now. This, is living with anxiety, its not worrying about the real stuff, cause that makes sense, its worrying about everything, all the time, with zero ability to rank importance. That is anxiety