April never fails to surprise me with so many people having so little idea what autism is. This leads me to the viscous revelation cycle. If people knew more about the spectrum, they would realize I am on it. I don’t tell people about it, because I think they would question how I know so much, and probably realize that level of research means that I am on the spectrum. Because people know so little about the spectrum, I feel like them knowing would negatively impact my life. I have enough problems, I won’t tell people about autism, and so the people around me don’t realize I am on the spectrum. End circle.
I think it would be helpful sometimes though, to explain why I have no problem working in a busy computer lab, or blasting music, or sleeping on a crowded bus on a good day, but on a bad day a person whispering 6 feet away sets my teeth on edge. How some days I can cook, and clean, and study, but when my code isn’t working I get yell because the coffee is downstairs and I am upstairs, and I only have 23 minutes in my break that is stopping me from completely melting down over my project.
It always hits my hardest during finals, where I am on edge and afraid of failing. 1000 times worse knowing I am done my program in a week and have no job. For now I am trying to breath. And binge watching some truly cringeworthy TV.