My entire life I have had 1 or 2 friends.  I hit an all time high in college of 5, but that whittled down to 3 over the intervening years.  I have a really hard time making friends.  Most of my friends that I have, either approached me, or I met through other friends.  This was primarily due to my special interest/obsession over Harry Potter.  Of my remaining friends 2 are huge fans, and one is a semi-fan. The one who is a semi-fan, was really big into my broader category of special interest, Reading.  Its my hobby. It and watching TV.  Then I read stories, fantheories and fanfiction based on that TV show.

Even including family, and children of parents friends, my birthdays always maxed out at about 8 people.  I am never going to be a big people person. I have a bunch of acquaintances through my current degree, but no longer am sure on how to cross the friend boundary.  Typically they people I have kept along just did it for me at some point.

I become fairly attached to my friends. That is not to say I need to see them often, or even at all to really consider them remaining as friends.  The occasional text or Facebook message is all I actually need these days.  It was however much harder in elementary school, where people seemed to change friends all the time.  I couldn’t handle that, and it took me, I am a little embarrassed to admit, 3 years (Grades 5-6-7) to realize that people couldn’t be made to continue being friends with me.  I still look back on that and cringe as I remember not wanting to go to school because my “friends” were being mean to me.  While the manner they went about it was cruel, I often wonder if they had tried subtler kinder methods first, and found them ineffective.  After they were made to apologize to me, we were doing some friendship exercise in drawing, no I cant believe the school had us do that either and I think one of them said something and it clicked that I had basically been coming back to various people for years that didn’t want to be my friend.

So I hung out somewhere alone for a few weeks, then with another loner.  Eventually, I made a few ok friends, and moved a year later.  20 odd years later I still struggle with making/maintaining friendships, and wonder if the people I hang out with now like me, or tolerate me.


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