Listen to Me, Don’t Humour me

Listen to Me, Don’t Humour me- Word Vomit and it’s Complications.  Originally this was going to be two posts but I couldn’t quite manage where one stopped and the other began.

I know for a lot of people, the problem with Asperger’s is knowing if someone is interested in what you are saying.  I didn’t always know.  I have read books, I have watched tv shows, and know enough about people leaning away, and looking towards an exit to gauge if someone is trying to get away.  Not if they are interested or not, but if they literally want to leave. Most of the time.  There are two problems with this technique.

  1. Word Vomit – Just because I know you want to leave, sometimes doesn’t allow me to let you leave.  If I am telling you a story, or sometimes just talking about my special interest, I can’t stop.  Sometimes it’s worse than other times, but I can recognize someone trying to escape as I give them a step by step detail of my theory of horcruxes, but unless you literally say something to stop me, I can’t.  When someone does this it’s awkward after, and I often feel friends don’t leave the acquaintances bubble for fear of being sucked in.  Actual friends just cut me off.  I guess that’s why most of my friends have similar personalities
  2. Humouring-  What I can’t tell is if you are interesting  or are humouring me.  Basically if you are not giving me the “I want to chew off my own arm to escape this conversation” face, I assume you are interested. The more often I discuss a subject with you and you don’t indicate you want to escape, the more frequently and often I discuss a subject.  As a result, unless you are crazy obsessed, or willing to put up with crazy obsession, most people don’t last long.  The downside of being Canadian is that most people are too polite to cut you off or randomly change the subject.

Overall being only slightly better at reading bodies than faces means I don’t know what an interested person looks like, just one trying to flee.  I won’t even get into how hard it is for me to look interested.  That is a subject for another entry.

 

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I am not crazy

Several days, several techs, the wavering in my belief that my back speaker existed, but finally it is all fixed.  For some people, having a speaker out wouldn’t mean much.  I mean, when I am blogging the sound isn’t even on.  But know it was broken was a huge distraction for me, and now that is is fixed I feel 1000 times better.

I often feel like I am crazy, and I hate that. Tonight I have a massive headache/maybe migraine, but I should be back with updates soon.  Here is a preview of the titles of the Upcoming blogs

Your Anxiety Increases Mine

Word Vomit

Listen to me, Don’t Humour Me

Sensitive

So I reported yesterday that there are problems with my computer sound.  I “fixed” them yesterday.  To me they still sound off.  My problem is that for the last 24 hours I have been particularly sensitive to sound.  So I don’t actually know if the sound is off, or I am perceiving the sound oddly. So for now I cant listen to music on my computer without cringing..

Windows Hell

Windows are bright and natural light is hell on my eyes when reading. Vut this about why after boasting many an idea there have been no posts

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Day 1: I updated Windows. 4 hours!!! Turned it off when it was done and went to bed.

Day 2: 2 hours of configuring when i logged in. Then the sound was weird. Because of the malfunction and knowing i needed a driver reinstall i put it off till late last night…It didn’t work.

Day 3: So today I was on yardwork and didnt log on. Tonight i contactwd support. I have corrupt files. Reinstalling. An hour later I  am at 23%.

I don’t  type well on my phone, so no new updates until my windows 10 hell is resolved

Frog in Boiling Water

So I have once before likened my anxiety to the frog in boiling water.  You slowly get hotter and hotter and don’t realize you are boiling.  When my anxiety just spikes out of nowhere I notice it as anxiety, and I try and use my tools to cope.  Take deep breathes, do a grounding exercise, etc.

When it’s a problem is when I don’t notice how bad it’s getting.  You may be thinking “If you don’t notice it, that’s a good thing, right?” Wrong.  Because it starts affecting my everyday life.  I “thought” I was relaxed in my job hunt, not worried about having graduated recently and found myself without a job to go to like a few of my classmates have.  A few days ago, I realized this isn’t actually the case.  I got a pimple on the back of my neck and thought, for a moment, it might be cancer.

Then looking backwards I realized that in the preceding week, I had”avoided stairs for fear of falling, started worrying about my trip to my friends in June-almost cancelling it, worrying about my trip in October, had 3 migraines( stress is a major trigger), been too worried about keeping up at my fitness class to attend, stressed about the appearance of my tattoo, thought I had Cancer, Breast Cancer, Brain Cancer, I can’t even recall what else I thought I had, been overly tired, stopped reading  books, stopped planning visits with friends cause something might happen.  Every day had been just a little bit worse, and I was at the edge of boiling, and hadn’t even realized it.

Just because I don’t notice my anxiety, doesn’t mean it goes away, or that it doesn’t affect me.  One of the most powerful tools in my toolbox is labeling anxiety for what it is.

That was Monday, and this week I am trying to wind myself back down without having a complete meltdown, which is what I would generally do in this situation.  I deliberately scheduled a few things, just because I know that despite the fact I will go nuts, I really do need to get out.  So far I am still pretty on edge, and I am a bit more snapish that usually.  Hopefully next week I will be back to a normal anxiety level.

Online Dating-Why?

So I have about 4 posts I want to write up, so expect to see a bit from me in the next few days.

As I said in a previous post, I am online dating.  I am also pretty much Asexual, zero desire to actually screw someone, little actual desire to date someone.  Don’t even want a roommate.  So as I am freaking out about a coffee date I have on Monday I ask myself Why?

Why am I doing this. Is it because I want it?  And it came up today in an interview “You may not have children yet, but when you do…”  And it occurs to me that everyone just assumes I am either a lesbian, or I will bear children, or maybe adopt.  I am…ambivalent about this as well.

So why am I dating.  The answer, I realize has less to do with anything I want, and what people want me to do.  So I have decided to use my 6 month OKCupid package, and try dating a bit.  At the end of it, I am going to assess if going forward this is something I want.  Not what someone else is expecting me to do.

Online Dating

So I joined an online dating site on Friday.  Findingplayertwo.com

I am going to start by saying the site just launched and is full of bugs, so if you are interested, wait a week before trying to sign up.  Basically its a dating site, that was launched by the creators of the FB group NerdsWithVaginas, to help us hook up with people with similar interests.  I find this of particular interest as while I have tried other dating sites, I get the only options being looking for someone of the opposite sex, and while the personality profiles are a match, all the guys on the site are basically men who are majorly outdoorsy and really into sports.

I am usually good on these sites for about 2 minutes. Then I run out of things to say, I have a problem making small talk in general.  Which makes it hard to make friends, let alone make more that friends.  I have no idea what to say to someone to make the conversation keep going, and since my other speed is randomly rambling without pause, there isn’t really a good option here.

Anyone else have trouble dating, online or in person?

I don’t listen…I write lists

Most people in the world are audiovisual learners.  They can go to a classroom and be told what to do, and do it.  I forget, or even more often don’t listen in the first place.  Not intentionally, sometimes I don’t hear well cause other people are talking, or sometimes I am given too many instructions at once and I only get the first or last few.  If you interrupt me with new audio input mid task, I completely forget what I am doing most times, and even if I don’t, I forget everything else that was on the list.

For this reason when I need to do things, or am given multiple instructions, I need to either take them down in a list, or be given one containing all my tasks.  The god news, is that writing everything your boss says down apparently comes off as very professional and responsible.  Nothing I am assigned is ever forgotten.

Going back to listening.  I live in a bilingual city, where in school I had “listening” tests in french…I barely passed that component of my exit exams.  It’s hard to explain that yes, I got 40 on that test, but I doubt I would have gotten above a 70 in English, and I am  a native speaker.

While this is one of the few things that has never really impacted my work, it more impacts my social life, where people feel that forgotten details are a sign of disinterest in what they said.  Combined with my hyperfocus, being the periods where I had 110% of my attention on you and can replay a conversation verbatim from 15 years ago, it emphasizes it even more. For most people they assume I remember what I think is important and forget what I don’t. The worst part is, sometimes that is the case.  But most of the time whether or not I listen, or remember what someone says depends on how “on” I am that day, and that’s one thing I have never really tried to explain, even to myself, until now.

Bucket List

I don’t have a formal list, but in the past few years I have checked a few things off and come up with a few things I do want to get done.  This  is mostly a product of my anxiety and fear I am going to die

Go to Disney World

Go to Universal Studios WWOHP

Go back to Universal Studios WWOHP and go on the Gringotts Ride

Go to London

Go to Rome

Go to Greece

Go to Las Vegas

Write a Book

Get a tattoo

Participate in a study

All in all, its a pretty short list, but there is still a pretty good chance I won’t get though it all.

Happy or Smart?

I sit here, for the nth day now, having applied for a bunch of jobs, and received a whole 5 rejections and two interviews in 6 months of looking, wishing I weren’t quite so smart.  People see three degrees and assume I am both over and under qualified for work.  They look for a passion I don’t have when it comes to a job, and overall I interview like crap.

I wish sometimes rather than being encouraged to all my schooling, I was encouraged as some of my friends were, to quit after high school and get a job doing something simpler.  I can challenge my mind in other ways, and in the intervening 12 years I might have settled down, and had a family, gotten a job, house, and be living a life.  Instead of what I am, sitting in my parents house with no prospects on the horizon.