Freaking, not sleeping

So I called 811 last night and as long as pain is lessening I don’t have to go to tge doctor. Tonight though there is a spot on one of my bruises that is suddenly far more paunful when touched. And I am panicked. I dobt want to call 811 yet, cause its been really recently. But at the samr tine i am not sure if I can sleep otherwise.

It may be the next step of the smae thing as yesterday.The better is gets, the less swollen everything is, the more individual things hurt. A week ago my entire right leg throbbed and my knee was swollen. Once the overall swellibg went down my shin hurt alot. I think it hurt all along, but couldnt be felt under the pain of the gaint knee bruise.

Now today my shin is feling way better (tried some emugel the last 2 days and it may have reduced inflammation).  I can feel individual sore spots on my shin .  Now tonight i feel pain in the sode of my lower leg bruise which may have been obscured by the massive radiating pain in my shin.

J am of course worried I have a hematoma thats going to kill me in my sleep or cause a stroke.  I am going to give 30 more minutes and if I am still increasingly anxious I will call 811. I try not to indulge the hypochondria, but there comes a point where if I dont I am going to ruin everything else in my day day.  Week Score Me:0 Hypochondria 2


Going Forward

With the exception of a particularly viscous bruise on my shin, that I may have to get checked out, I am on the mend from last weeks swan dive down a flight of stairs.  The problem going forward is an intense protectiveness of a bruise on my shin that seems to touch everything and cause agony, and an increase in the stair anxiety.

Having fallen down the stairs many times, mostly 2-5 steps, I have had a lingering fear of stair cases since the first time I walked right off the top of a stair case at age ten and did somersaults down 10 wooden stairs.  The idea of going up and down unfamiliar stair cases often terrifies me months in advance, and having recently swan dived this has gone into overdrive.

Already I am having trouble sleeping in anticipation of a staircase of Friday for after brunch plans, and one the following week when helping a friend pack up her apartment next week.  And the 2 floor walk up I booked in October to go to an HP festival in October.  The problem is, that for most people, this wouldn’t be a problem, but the knowledge that even with three point contact and paying attention I could still walk off a stair case at any moment is pretty terrifying.

Anyone else out there had any luck with therapies or at home exercises?

Bruised, not Broken

So a week later most of my bruises are in the turning yellow phase of healing.  With the except of a particularly nasty shin pain I think I am on the mend.  That I will need to give a week or so more and then I might actually have to hit the doctors.

I am once again reminded that dyspraxia is a thing.  I had 3 point contact with the stairs when my other foot completely missed the stair I was aiming for.  To make matters worse, I haven’t heard back about the job, so I probably didn’t get it.

Interviewing is hard for me, better in person, because I can try and interpret visual cues if people want more information. On the phone, I have no idea if I was clear, if they want more, if they are physically backing away from the phone bored to tears by my story. One of the few interviews I have had going so badly has put me into a bit of a tailspin, and I have basically been recouping for the last week.

I will try to update a little more regularly now that I am back up and a little more to fighting strength.

I ACTUALLY fell down the stairs

You know the saying “You aren’t paranoid if everyone is out to get you” ? That describes my day. I had to argue with the server to get room service. I had to argue to get my meal paid. At the interview,I rocked it. At the tour, I fell down the stairs.

Ya that happened. It felt like I was in slow motion as my foot slid from the top stair and even my three point contact couldn’t stop me.  It was humiliation in the extreme. I got back up fast. I wasnt severly injured, the bruising will be spectacular tomorrow. Its actually pretty intense already. It was a swam dive type fall.
I think I blew my chance at the job though if they had any sense they would ask me to follow up not because I was great candidate, but because we were not wearing the minimum PPE footwear required which was why I slipped in the first place. I was wearing a woman’s dress  shoe and was not told in advance there would be a tour. I would never have worn these paticular shoes had I known. They slip on floors.
I actually mad it to the airport and had dinner before the hypochondria kicked in full force. Can you fly right after falling down stairs? Apparently in increases the chance of blood clots because there is a prpblem. So now I began to panic, do I go?
I am writing this on the plane. Its an hour to Toronto and I will reassess there. There is norhing in the Sault so I couldn’t to the hospital.  At least in Toronto I could gwt something done.
Apparently the main worry is lack of mobility over time and my flighrs are both short. The pain isn’t increasing  and I am committed now that I am on the plane. Toronto is literally the next place to land this thing.
Most people wouldn’t have googled this and just gone for it so O am hoping this once all will go well. With the exception of using the hot tub this trip was a bust start to finish.
Now that I am blogging this my leg hurts  more. Probably a combination of moving it cause I realized when writing I should be and writing it making me hyperfocus.Most of you probably don’t care but I will update you with how I am either when I get home or tomorrow.

Phase 3- Anxiety is

I have mentioned previously that people don’t beleive me when I sah I av anxiety. Some days I beleive them. Today, on an ober night trip for a job interview I do not.

The overwhelming fear of having my luggage lost started my day. Turbulnce made me realize my mortality. After hours of travelling I panic about finding my shuttle. They messed up, but eventually I got to the hotel.

I am here but they don’t have anyhting about the company paying meals. At this point I want to go to the hot tub. I don’t want a job with a compnay that cant arrange an overnigth stay, and so far 2 things have gone wrong.

My room is carpeted so I have bedbugs. Note, this is my fear of any carpeted room I have no proof. I put my luggage in the bathroom, hang my suit and start looking. It takes some work but i find “proof”. They have bedbug matress covers which I take as guilt rather than precautionary.

Then going through each layer of tge second bed, on the mattress cover where is worn and piled there is black bits in the piles. I am terrified they are bedbugs despite no other signs.

I try to reason that there are no rust spots, not live bugs, no black stains. That stuff gets stuck in piles, everything is white. That the mattress covers stay on and over time this happens, but i know i won’t sleep.  So i call the front desk.

They send someone up instantly. Whp confirms that isnt bed bugs, but says she understands it would be upsetting and if I cant sleep here, I could get another room.  Now embarrassed I agree to stay and apologize for freaking.

I leave feeling dirty an fraught. Head down to the restaurant where my order is lost and I spend 2 hours having a  dinner that should have taken 45 minutes.

I dread the idea of going to my room ao i venture out and end up at walmart where I buy my cat a toy,  some giant Ziploc bags and some bounce sheets. I conr back chsnge into my swim suit bag my clothes in one zip lock, purse in another and leave my luggage tightly zippped on the bathroom counter. I put bounce sheets all over to ward off the bedbugs. Not entirely a wives tale, there is a little science there.

I spend 45 minutes swimming and soaking and come up to a quick shower rinse Paranoid about the pool chemicals.I smell bounce  I stare at the bed. I finally put on Pajamas and go get ice.  Wrried the bucket and glasses arent clean. What if there are bedbugs in my shoes.  Laydown with a tea and try to read.

The smell of bounce is giving me a headache. I google that. They are carcinogenic.  I am torn. I take half the bounce sheets and throw them away. There are still some in key places. Ievae the room for 5 minutes and come back. The smell is less overpowering.

Do i take the rest out. Do i turn put the loghts tonight. Sleep is less deep in the light and bedbugs will come put in the light eventually but its an ok stop gap.

I have a twinge in my leg. A bloodclot. my chest hurts. Heartburn from my gigantic dinner or a heart attack.

I havent tried to sleep yet. Today, I know I what anxiety is.



Phase 2-Phase 1 Complete

I am home from my grandmothers, with no falling down the stairs to report.  My cold hasn’t progressed, so either it was caused by the A/C or its biding its time.  Tonight I am getting ready for the next leg of my journey and while my suitcase is packed and I have things ready to go, I am of course panicking

I have my tylenol, ibuprofen, robax, immodium, gastrolyte, peptobismol, and gravol packed.  I also have my extra shirt, travelling clothes (for sensory issues on the way home).  I have a sweater for colder weather, a rain jacket just in case, copies of my resume, transcripts, a calculator.  I printed my boarding pass, and itinerary. I am for all intents and purposes good to go.

But, what if…I get in a car accident, get a blood clot, have a stroke, get injured, fall before my interview, miss my interview, miss my flight home, get roomed with an unexpected person when I get there.  I reason out the logic of each increasingly improbable event, and what I would do, but its not really working for me. My nose is running, and I am frequently running to the bathroom, my heart is racing, and I feel disassociated as the anxiety floods my body with adrenaline to fight problems that haven’t actually happened yet.

For me this is the worst part of the interview.  The interview is a problem with a solution, an action that must be completed, but now, in the interim I am helpless waiting for something that cannot be predicted.

Phase 1 Starting

I am at the first location in my week of travelling. I have a sore throat tonight. Hoping it improves overnight because this is the last thing I need leading into an interview. Not to mention the fact my grandfather is immunocomprimised. I got here at 8:45 and the throat problems obly started at 10:30 or I wouldn’t have come at all. At my grandmothers and I would usually mainline water for this, but I am.once again trapped by the evil stairs and dont want to venture dpwn for a refill before morning. Not sur if #firstworldproblems or #anxietyproblems is more accurae here.

Bedbug Worries

So I am travelling this weekend again.  First to my grandmothers, and then to a job interview that includes an overnight trip and a flight in.  I have already begun to panic.  Mainly that the hotel will have bed bugs.

Then there was a small beetle in my bed last night. Now I am worried I have bedbugs already despite having none of the signs of bedbugs.

My back continues to hurt, though incremental progress is being made, and right now I can feel a tension in my neck that may start a migraine.  Probably from the stress of spending the last 24 hours, teeth clenched over bed bug worries.

I am trying to keep calm, and breath through it, but today the anxiety is winning.


At the moment I have backpain.  I know what I did, it was stupid.  Oh and my tongue is burnt.  But i survived my trip.  What I was hoping to make a two night trip at my friends was only one, and frankly I didn’t push.  I forgot how much work toddlers are.  And I wanted to go home after 2 days of listening to him make sounds in the range that would make a dog go crazy.

Right now I am stressing over an interview for an upcoming job, and have found my sensory sensitivities are in overdrive.  Specifically in terms of hearing, bright lights and taste.  Thank god touch isn’t worse than usual, but I have been in PJ’s most the week, so who know.

The worst part about unemployment is the lack of routine.  I can’t seem to get out of bed in the morning, so any routine I make has to be flexible.  Which means I am taking my acid reflux medication ittermittantly as I remember it. Hopefully I will have a job soon and this will all be over.

Follow Up

So my wrist was a little sore today after being stuck prone while driving for 4 hours.  But not the sprain/broken down horror I made up in my head. Atill terrified about the stairs here in the morning, but since I went up them down is a forgone conclusion. Thinking about that possible hotel detour and splurging a night before heading hone.