I have mentioned previously that people don’t beleive me when I sah I av anxiety. Some days I beleive them. Today, on an ober night trip for a job interview I do not.

The overwhelming fear of having my luggage lost started my day. Turbulnce made me realize my mortality. After hours of travelling I panic about finding my shuttle. They messed up, but eventually I got to the hotel.

I am here but they don’t have anyhting about the company paying meals. At this point I want to go to the hot tub. I don’t want a job with a compnay that cant arrange an overnigth stay, and so far 2 things have gone wrong.

My room is carpeted so I have bedbugs. Note, this is my fear of any carpeted room I have no proof. I put my luggage in the bathroom, hang my suit and start looking. It takes some work but i find “proof”. They have bedbug matress covers which I take as guilt rather than precautionary.

Then going through each layer of tge second bed, on the mattress cover where is worn and piled there is black bits in the piles. I am terrified they are bedbugs despite no other signs.

I try to reason that there are no rust spots, not live bugs, no black stains. That stuff gets stuck in piles, everything is white. That the mattress covers stay on and over time this happens, but i know i won’t sleep.  So i call the front desk.

They send someone up instantly. Whp confirms that isnt bed bugs, but says she understands it would be upsetting and if I cant sleep here, I could get another room.  Now embarrassed I agree to stay and apologize for freaking.

I leave feeling dirty an fraught. Head down to the restaurant where my order is lost and I spend 2 hours having a  dinner that should have taken 45 minutes.

I dread the idea of going to my room ao i venture out and end up at walmart where I buy my cat a toy,  some giant Ziploc bags and some bounce sheets. I conr back chsnge into my swim suit bag my clothes in one zip lock, purse in another and leave my luggage tightly zippped on the bathroom counter. I put bounce sheets all over to ward off the bedbugs. Not entirely a wives tale, there is a little science there.

I spend 45 minutes swimming and soaking and come up to a quick shower rinse Paranoid about the pool chemicals.I smell bounce  I stare at the bed. I finally put on Pajamas and go get ice.  Wrried the bucket and glasses arent clean. What if there are bedbugs in my shoes.  Laydown with a tea and try to read.

The smell of bounce is giving me a headache. I google that. They are carcinogenic.  I am torn. I take half the bounce sheets and throw them away. There are still some in key places. Ievae the room for 5 minutes and come back. The smell is less overpowering.

Do i take the rest out. Do i turn put the loghts tonight. Sleep is less deep in the light and bedbugs will come put in the light eventually but its an ok stop gap.

I have a twinge in my leg. A bloodclot. my chest hurts. Heartburn from my gigantic dinner or a heart attack.

I havent tried to sleep yet. Today, I know I what anxiety is.

 

 

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