Fun Sucking Anxiety

So the big Harry Potter event I have been both looking forward to/worrying about is coming up on the 13th of October.  I even got a part time job, which I quite after two days because I couldn’t handle it, to help pay for the expense.  I made enough to cover my ticket, gas and hotel share  because I was so anxious about running out of money.

Now its two weeks away and a thousand potential problems have cropped up for me, and its making me so anxious now that there is literally nothing that seems fun. Like I am bored, and nothing seems appealing cause there is a big warning bell in my head going TRIP ANXIETY.  Anyone have a way to deal with this unending anxiety?

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Hypochondria explained

So I have never been adequately able to explain what it feels like to have hypochondria to someone who doesn’t have it.  I watched this video and basically the first minute and 45 seconds is what I experience every time I have an ache or a pain. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNNieBfUBGI

 

Simmered Over

So I have been trying to hold down on the anxiety, but I haven’t managed to find a job.  I have been looking since last September for when I graduated in May.  Its been a year, and everyday people ask me about it, and it causes this frisson of anxiety.  I have noticed more fear of falling down stairs, more fear about spraining ankles, and then last night an all out panic attack about whether my indigestion and shoulder pain was a heart attack.

Note: Stomach upset and arm pain are more common than chest pain in women.  But I also forgot to take my acid re-flux medication for three days and had been experiencing stomach upset for 2.  And I read in bed for an unusually long period of time two days in a row with my shoulder in a funny position.  It was bound to happen, and once that panic sparked, there wasn’t any sleeping no matter how much I could reason it away.

I wish that people who didn’t have any leads would stop asking about my job search.  The second I get a job they will know about it, and in the interim it just causes a slow increase in stress until I manage to have a panic attack.  I have head about 8 interviews so far, and the lack of response leads to enough self doubt about how I am blowing the interviews that I don’t need anyone else asking the question. Ask me about my theory on Harry Potter being a horcrux affected his relatives, don’t ask me if I have a job yet.

Shoulder Pain

So the pain in my shoulder to elbow got worse when bending my elbow.  And I found a spot on my shoulder blade that when gently pressed was agonizing.  Giant knot of a muscle.  Once I realized I wasn’t having a heart attack, but reading induced shoulder pain I calmed down, took a muscle relaxant and by 6:30 fell asleep.  I woke up with no shoulder pain, but I still have a runny nose.  I think I am just getting a cold, combined with my period coming it, and some ill advised reading position and got the perfect storm for midnight panic.

The problem was less in the actual symptoms but in the amplification of those symptoms by anxiety.  The fact the were moving about based on what area I was thinking about made it really hard to focus on what was actually wrong with me. I worry that some day there will be something really wrong with me and I will ignore it because I assume I am just being a hypochondriac.

Heart Attack

So I am drifting off toight when I have pain in my arm. I have been reading for hours so it shouldn’t be that surprising. Then there is this noment I think “What if it’s a heart attack” and then its all over.

I am suddenly wide awake, face fluaged panicking. I am sgort of breath and mt chest hurts and I take a second to breath as my stomach gurgles and think. These ate all geart atrack symptoms, and before I go wake up my mother at 4am I realize, they are also sptoms of an anxiety attack. So I chevk and while my pulse is high it’s steady and even. As I think of difernt symptoms of heart attacks U get each one in turn.  Making myself wary of getting help because Its 99% likely its all in my head as sone pf my symptoms are not remotely heart attack related and make me think its alk anxiety.

And I had been doing so well. What frustrates me now is the fear I am going to die of a heart attack tonight or another night dismissing it as anxiety as I have this lingering condition.

Even now as I write this the ibuprofen kicj on pn my twnnis elbow I have chest pain or nausea or arm pain only as I think of them. “Forgetting” my other symptoms makes thrm wane in tgw interim. An I okay?