Heart Attack

So I am drifting off toight when I have pain in my arm. I have been reading for hours so it shouldn’t be that surprising. Then there is this noment I think “What if it’s a heart attack” and then its all over.

I am suddenly wide awake, face fluaged panicking. I am sgort of breath and mt chest hurts and I take a second to breath as my stomach gurgles and think. These ate all geart atrack symptoms, and before I go wake up my mother at 4am I realize, they are also sptoms of an anxiety attack. So I chevk and while my pulse is high it’s steady and even. As I think of difernt symptoms of heart attacks U get each one in turn.  Making myself wary of getting help because Its 99% likely its all in my head as sone pf my symptoms are not remotely heart attack related and make me think its alk anxiety.

And I had been doing so well. What frustrates me now is the fear I am going to die of a heart attack tonight or another night dismissing it as anxiety as I have this lingering condition.

Even now as I write this the ibuprofen kicj on pn my twnnis elbow I have chest pain or nausea or arm pain only as I think of them. “Forgetting” my other symptoms makes thrm wane in tgw interim. An I okay?


F*cked Up

So I go tp my first third interview with high hopes, which I then dash scratching someone’s car in the parking lot.My car popped the bumper out and  tge other car has 2 scratches on the bumper. I called and left a message with my number. I took a pic of the damage and can only hope to pull of the kind of confidence I need tp land a job post accident

And its been delayed an hour. So I  an get really nervous. Overall today sucks

“Birthday Weekend”

So this Sunday is my 31st birthday, and a friend of mine derailed my birthday plans, so basically I am doing nothing right now.  My mother offered last night that we could do whatever I want today and then go out for dinner.  She then proceeded leave before I even woke up.  She came back at 4 and we went for an early dinner, to a restaurant she chose.

We then went out to the hot tub for 20 minutes, upon where she offered to watch whatever I wanted.  When I came in after her, she was reading a book, and declared that even me talking to someone else was too loud and she needed me to be quiet.  I waited 45 minutes, before giving up and going to watch a movie on my own.

Honestly, this isn’t that much different then what I would have done.  But I adjusted my plans for the day to make room for doing something with Mom.  And twice in a row she offered something she had no intention on following through with.

For most people that probably wouldn’t matter that much, but for me, that ruined my weekend.  Like changing a meal at the last minute, changing plans upsets my entire day.  Once I plan something I count on it coming to pass. No matter what.


Walked up two flights of stairs tp get tp my interview. Panicking in the waiting room waiting for the interviewers. Dreading leaving more than the interview. Dreading getting the job because of those stairs.  And all the respirators I see.


Toe Curling…Anxiety

So I have a job interview at 1pm. I am back out of town, and after my disastrous last interview I am terrified of falling down the stairs.

As it is close by I am at my grandmothers with the horribly slippery steep stairs and I cringe at the thought of going down them.

It sends a shiver of adrenaline down u body which strikes to the insole of my foot and literally causes my toes to curl. Which I think is the saddest toe curling reason ever.

I have to face them twice tomorrow, and now I am laying awake in bed dreading morning. Its actually scarier than a job interview that could define my future. This is what its like living with anxiety, always sweating the small stuff, never being able to focus on the big picture.

30 Day Challenge-Day 1

So I read about the #Send30daychallenge on #BloggingAstrid, and decided to give it a whirl.  Day One, is the explain the title of your blog.  Mine as I have explained before, is an ode to that feeling that you are going crazy.

Its that slow downward spiral when things just aren’t going your way and the world is closing it on you and you feel like you are slowly losing your mind piece by piece.  That was where I was when I started this blog, and given that I was at a co-op term, I was not in a place to seek assistance.  I thought that documenting the process might give me a bit of distance, tell others they aren’t alone in feeling like this, and for some topics get a bit of advice.

On the Road again

This week is a week of stress. I have two job interviews and I am starting the week driving my grandparents back after a weekend visit.

Last week ended in an emergency hospital visit after 3 hours of sleep to discover my dad has kidney stones. The hospital, a hypochrondriacs nightmare… That started to disrupt my routine. The visit took that to the next level, with two sick relatives for three days.

Then I drove them hone. My 3.5 hour drive took 5.5 hours in the end. Most of it painfully slow and in traffic.

I took a break less than 30 km in to meltdown in tge washeoom as it took over an hour to get there. If it were just me I would have rurbed back but my sick grandfather had doctor appointments scheduled fisr thing Tuesday so i soldiered on, back aching. Its been terrible since last week. Stress taking it up a notch. Now I am here.  Upstairs. Dreading walkng down the stairs of evil.

Tomorrow I drive back, I cringe at the thought, but I don’t have my interview clothes and i have to be on the road by 12 Wednesday dressed and on my way to the interview.

I have a patch of skin that tingles when rubbed and aches all over from driving teeth clenched for 5 hours. Gonba take some robax tonight to hopefully unwind enough I don’t trigger a migraine.

This week is barely begun and alreadymy stress levels are at an 8.



Gifted, Above Average, or Differently Learning

I recently read a post from another blogger talking about being gifted.  If I had been diagnosed I think I probably would have been classed that way as a child.  Despite a complete lack of ability to pay attention or listen to directions, and a constant stream of commentary spewing from my mouth at anyone who would listen, or was unfortunate enough to be in ear range, I always had straight A’s.  The exception being my satisfactory, or unsatisfactory, in peer interaction.

By the time I reached grade 8 I was actually falling behind, couldn’t be bothered to listen at all in lessons and was putting in a lackluster effort in assignments knowing I would pass.  I had a 66 average, it was all that was necessary.  When I transferred mid year to another province, and ended up in high school, I excelled again.  In an environment where it was less paced to the slowest learner, and I was readily allowed to read when I was done working, I went back to my straight A’s, but in a fraction of the time of those around me.  What I learned in University in a seminar, basically is that there are different types of learning, and I for one, am not the type that can listen to a lecture and retain high volumes.

In cegep, bachelors and masters degrees I put in more hours and continued to do extremely well .  I then graduated, and flopped spectacularly. I came back for one more degree, and actually made a specific effort to study school less and people more.  I needed to literally learn the social interaction and networking skills that I had missed the first time around. Teachers were always so focused on the academics, making sure everyone could read, they just assumed the rest would sort its self out at recess.

While I won the multiplication challenge in grade 4 for memorizing my 18 times tables, I wish rather than getting a pat on the back, I had had someone tell me to spend more time interacting with people, and less time studying.  While I enjoyed the studying more, it would have been more helpful for me to have a soft skills tutor to teach me how to talk to people.

Is this real?

I read an article today on cracked where it made fun of people with self diagnosed Asperger’s, calling them “ass burgers” and saying how people latch onto this diagnosis cause it allows them to be spoiled brats and have everything be not there fault.  How its only real if you get a diagnosis.

I am sure, for some people that is true.  There are some people who will latch onto any passing fad.  What I have a problem with is the fact the person writing this article seems to assume that people aren’t diagnosed only because they are faking it.  That getting a diagnosis wouldn’t take a large amount of time and money.  That it doesn’t take friends and/or family coming forward and giving anecdotal evidence to support the diagnosis.

For some, like myself, it is difficult, because I have parents who don’t believe in Asperger’s, despite knowing other people who’s kids have it.  They think its a lack of discipline.  They “know” I don’t have it, because there was a 20 question check list for Autism when I was 4, and when they checked off 18 of the 20 items, the two that were left were among the “one of these two must be checked if its autism” type questionnaires. Basically I didn’t qualify for the full on autism, therefore I must be fine.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 4.  I was given Ritalin once, my mother didn’t like the zombie effect and threw it out.  They never tried anything else.  Yesterday my mother told me there is no such thing as ADHD, the children just aren’t being disciplined properly.  I am 30 and I can’t sit or stand still.  I can’t focus on someone speaking, I lose everything I pick up and I still have problems with intense boredom, combined with too much energy.  But its not real.

There are moments when I read these articles like the one on cracked and ask myself, is it real?  Am I making it up?  I have health anxiety (hypochrondria), is this (aspergers) just another thing I have convinced myself I have?

What the people who write for cracked don’t understand is that moment.  That moment when you read an article on aspergers in girls, where it talks about not giving a shit about your appearance, or being able to fake the social skills, not being able to distinguish voices when people are talking, or walking into things, or not understanding a lot of social cues, or having problems with the phone cause you can’t tell if you should shut up.  When you read about the obsessions people have, like your 20 year obsession with reading, or the 16 years you have been devoted to harry potter, and you realize this is you.  That moment when it clicks and you get this rush of relief, because for once in your life you realize its not just you.  The fact your cried at the glasses store because it was super bright, and loud, and you had just taken the metro which is all weird lit and loud and blinding colors isn’t that odd.  That some days are good, and some days the tick of a clock, or a watch, or that leaking faucet, a flickering light will set your teeth on edge.  That you cringe at the idea of saying goodbye to some people cause you hate change, and that knowledge that they will go in for the hug and you don’t touch people, you don’t like it. That someone cleaning your room will upset you for weeks, because everything was moved just a little bit, and its all just wrong.  All of this is something, there is something that explains this, and no you are not broken.

And then you question all of it, maybe you are just a broken person with anxiety and maybe its all just in your head.  You question this all over a stupid cracked article probably written in an hour for today’s click bait article, and it makes me angry.  Angry at them for doing it, and me for falling for it.

23 Things You’ll Totally Relate To If You’re Anxious AF- A list that defines my life

This summarizes my life :23 Things You’ll Totally Relate To If You’re Anxious AF

Really though.  I made it through Montreal Comiccon with only one minor meltdown after a panel guest described a stroke in detail and I was worried I had the precursors.

But the list really sums up what most days are like for me.  I get up and every step of the way I second guess myself.  As a results I don’t come of as confident in anything I do.  And since apparently I can “fake it” everyone just assumes I am fine.