So I am at my grandmothers, coccyx still sore and I cant sleep cause I am afraid of dalling down the stairs tomorrow. With the pain if my last fall still fresh i keep imagining it in vivid detail and while it didn’t stoo me from coming up I lay awake in fear of headind down in the morning. Merry Christmas Anxiety
This is the one word that I hate the most in the English language. It’s something my mother said to me from a very young age, usually when I have having a fit about something changing. This could be anything from a new pair of shoes, rearranging the furniture, to a sudden schedule change.
To some of us, change is, and always will be the enemy. As an adult I have learned to, while not adapt, accept that sudden changes will occur. This doesn’t stop me from having that moment where I want to have the same “tantrum” I did when I was five, but I have learned that expressing that at 30 is frowned upon as childish. It is assumed at 30 that I can’t cry in a store when I go to pick up my father’s Christmas present and they no longer sell it. I have been told I should have better control than that, and I am generally ignored. This now leads to me basically trying not to cry, which, sometimes, if I am lucky, I can.
Other days if I am tired, or hungry, or if its just been a long day, I am crying because after taking an hour to pick out new glasses frames the lady behind the counter says no they are too big and walks away. FYI, i got the frames, I love them, and I still don’t know what her problem was, and ya, this happened over a year ago.
There is nothing worse at one of these moments than someone telling you to adapt, if I could just adapt that would be wonderful, why didn’t I think of that. Well I did, and my hyperventilating lungs, and overflowing tear ducts just didn’t get the message. And now, to make things worse, I am humiliated, by being told to adapt, get over it, and grow up.
Ultimately I did find something for dad for Christmas, but it wasn’t what I wanted to get him. Which still bugs me. But I got him something he won’t hate, so it’s all good.
So not literally, but for the first day I seriously wondered. Two days later I am much better, but seriously wondering if I have a pinched nerve. Not free till Tuesday, and if it’s still a problem it will be a trip to the hospital for me.
I was on the way to an exam down some slippery wet stairs, I knew they were slippery. I rounded a landing, and slipped before I reached the next railing and bang, landed HARD on my coccyx. The fact I had to sit through a 3 hour exam after that, then finish my Christmas shopping was unpleasant. Sleeping was horrific, and now I am paranoid that mandatory left side sleeping will leave me with another “stroke” incident.
It’s also why I haven’t been blogging despite the new ideas. Until today I couldn’t sit in a typing position at my laptop or in any position that would leave both hands free to type on my tablet.
I am now living in constant anxiety of falling again and doing serious damage to an already injured area, and, because someone up there hates me I am in for 2 days of ice rain, cause nothing to increase that fear like forecasting pure ice everywhere right up till my final exam. Oh and I can;t go to the movies or brunch I had planned for the weekend cause I can’t sit. No Rogue One till after Christmas.
So what I would kill for right now is a hug. Tight and warm. But it won’t be happening. 99% of the time I don’t like being hugged, touched really either. The only way I have managed to enforce the stop touching me thing is by making sure everyone know I don’t like it and not to. But on nights like tonight I regret that, because I don’t know how to get what I want and there will be no spontaneous gestures forthcoming.
So my pause was brief, and with an exam tomorrow the sciatic pain from my back is a blood clot in my thigh, the sore muscle in my shoulder a swollen lymph node, and after today’s blood test, which took 3 sticks, I am dehydrated.
Only the last one is real by the way. I now look like a junkie from the track marks, but at my doctor’s appointment today she recommended checking for the bacteria that causes stomach ulcers to see why I have re-flux, if I don’t she wants me to see a gastroenterologist to see why I have re-flux. Really as long as the losec helps I don’t care why, but I agreed, and was painfully treated for it.
Because I am dehydrated, given the failed sticks, I wanna make sure I am hydrated for tomorrow and am now straddling the line between adequate hydration, and not to hydrated i spend the night peeing. I have checked my stuff twice, so I should be find for morning. I even added a watch so I could keep time in the test. Every time I think of it my nose runs, Yes, I packed tissues as well. I am in full panic mode, and I have taken break in the hope I will be able to get in a little more studying once I wind down a bit. You may hear from me again in the middle of the night, but here is to hoping not.
So finals are starting up in a few days, and my anxiety for sure will ramp up as I get ready to not fail one of my final semesters. I have been pretty much good the last couple of days. I got a call back from the doctor to discuss my B12, so I am guessing it’s still low. Strangely that makes me feel much better.
I think because between that and migraines all my random aches and pains are explained. I mean they weren’t all in my head, and they definitely weren’t as bad as my rampant hypochondria made them out to be, but there was something.
Another great reason to feel better is, it’s curable. If I can regulate my B12 all my random symptoms should go away. A lack of B12 induces migraines, so they may get better. It also has psychological impacts, and can amplify pre-existing conditions, so it may even reduce my anxiety. Overall I am pretty hopeful right now, and may actually get back to writing about Asperger’s/Autism now that I am not “dying”.